Presidential Food

One morning Al Gore and George Bush were having brunch at a restaurant.

The attractive waitress asked Gore what he wanted and he replied, “I’ll have a bowl of oatmeal and some grapefruit.”

“And what can I get for you sir?” she asks George. He replies, “How about a quickie?” “Why Governor!” the waitress says, “how rude – and you’re not even president yet!”

As the waitress storms away, Gore leans over to Bush and whispers, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’.

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Two Boll Weevils

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

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Kooky Laws

It’s against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas. In Maine, it’s illegal for a police officer to tell you to have a nice day after giving you a traffic ticket. In Natoma, Kansas, it’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits. You can’t sleep with chickens in Clawson City, Mich. In California, it’s against the law to use your dirty underwear as a dust rag. It’s illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you’re sitting on a curb in St. Louis. It’s against the law in Chicago to eat in a place that is on fire. It’s illegal to slurp soup in New Jersey.In Mayville MI it is illegal to play frisbee in the street.In Kansas it is illegal to have cherry pie alamode (icecream on cherry pie)In Los Angeles it is illegal to have an icecream cone in your pocket.

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Ugly Baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, “Why, he’s a public servant! He shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

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Bill Gates In Hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all?!?”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “But the bottle has a hole in it!”

“Why the PC?”, he continued, “”It’s got the latest version of Windows and it’s missing three keys!”

“Which three?” said Lucifer.

“Control, Alt and Delete!”

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Clothes Dryer

A household appliance designed to eat socks.

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Windtunel

What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

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Name yer progeny

Lawyer’s daughter SueLawyer’s sons Will, CourtThief’s son RobDoctor’s son BillFisherman’s son RodMeteorologist’s daughters Haley, SunnyBack Hoe operator’s sons Doug, RockyHair stylist’s sons Bob, Curly, HarryHomeopathic doctor’s son HerbJustice of the peace’s daughter MarySound stage technician’s son MikeHot-dog vendor’s son FrankGambler’s daughter BetteGambler’s Son ChipExercise guru’s son JimExercise guru’s daughter BelleCattle thief’s son RussellPainter’s son ArtIron worker’s son RustyTV show star’s daughter EmmyMovie star’s son OscarHousewife’s son DustyMinister’s daughters Faith, Hope, CharityTelevangelist’s daughter ChastityIRS agent’s daughter MonyGeneticist’s son GeneEspresso vendor’s son JoeUndertaker’s son BarryGardener’s son MoeFlorist’s daughters Rose, IrisBaker’s daughter CookieManicurist’s son HansAthlete’s son VictorLumberjack’s son GlennPlumber’s son JohnAccountant’s daughter IraMusician’s daughters Melody, HarmonyJeweler’s daughters Opal, JadeGastrointerologist’s daughter FannyPolitician’s daughter PatsyLegislator’s son Bill

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Jackass in the bar

A guy goes into a pub, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender passes the drink to him and says “Here you go, Jackass”. The guy drinks up and ask’s, How about another? The second drink comes and again, the bartender says, “Here you go, Jackass”. Another man at the bar turns and says to the first man, “Why do you let this bartender call you Jackass?” The man replies, “Heeaww, Heeaww He always calls me that!”

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60 mintues

Yo momma id so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes!

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